There may be something pretty big in the works. I have been mulling it over in my head "is it ok to do this?", "am I brave enough?", "will my family judge me, hate me, distance themselves from me, or love me?", "Maybe I should just be anonymous". These thoughts keep going through my mind. I'll let you in on the secret soon. Maybe.
Things are pretty uneventful here, if you don't consider changing diapers, cleaning up pee, drowning in peed sheets and laundry, and never ending hunger as events.
Life is such a....I don't even know. I cry at night (or broad daylight) because my husband doesn't get me, but then I cry because how is he supposed to get me? I don't even get myself. I came to the conclusion a few weeks past that I will just never ever be satisfied, because I am a woman. When I think I know what I want, I don't want what I wanted any more. Its like sending the doc out for take out, in the time it takes for him to go out and get it and bring it home, I either don't want it, or want something completely different. It's maddening. Maybe that's why it's hard for me to make a healthy dinner, by the time it's finished I don't want it anymore, because lets face it, healthy = takes a REALLY long time make.
I am stuck between really really wanting a needing a schedule and not wanting any schedule at all because "I like my freedom". However, I am totally stuck, because no schedule, for me, equals no freedom. I am stuck with a huge mound of laundry, struggling to find a clean uniform 20 minutes before school starts, kids sleeping on the floor because I still haven't gotten around to cleaning those peed sheets, and dishes galore because "I like my free time".
I used to think that the happy me was the me sitting on the couch watching copious amounts of uninterrupted episodes of my favorite show and eating really really crappy food and drinking soda. I realized just today while chatting with Biff (my best Friend in Utah, long story) that happy me is actually not that me, it's the me that plans great parties with great decorations and plenty of food, including mini chocolate, powdered and crumbs donuts. Going on great hikes and trips with my family. Sleeping outside on the trampoline with he kids counting stars, having a bonfire and s'mores every night, holding off on eating that second helping of the best pasta I ever made, waking up early to have some girlfriend time while running, the me that can't wait to pick up my kids from school and loves spending time with them, not the me that can't wait till they go to bed. That is happy me. Which happens to not be the current me. Current me broods over the fact that we are feeding all the stupid birds in our entire neighborhood with expensive cat and chicken feed, that my children are constant mess makers, that my bedroom always seems to look like a war-zone and how I CANNOT for the life of me find the chairs I want for my bedroom within my budget, or that I am not as skinny as my sister!!!
I am crawling out of this fog that I have lived in for the past month or so, I am only realizing this now, now that I am stepping out. I look back and it seems so clouded and dreary, like nothing, stagnant. I spent an entire day on the couch watching TV, I got up for the occasional diaper change, snack and to pick-up my kids from school, but other than that I did not move. In a way it was good because I do feel I needed it, but now that I'm in the light I am finally seeing a future a future full of fun stuff.
I think my fog started when I decided life sucks when you have your own business and it's not making any money, at least not enough. I realize now that I was not counting my blessings. I have a husband who loves me and my children and works hard for us, we have a home, but not just a home a beautiful home full of beautiful things, its the perfect home for us - the fireplace. I have family and friends who live close by, I live in the most amazing neighborhood with he most amazing Ward, a blossoming new relationship with me and my sisters. It is not to say that it isn't hard especially when you throw the things of this disgusting world in the mix, like pornography, sex trafficking, child molesters, homeless children, true true sadness, but focussing on those things does not make it any easier. I am not saying to dismiss them and go on living, but to look to the positive and...I don't know. All I know is those things disgust me and make me want to craw into my dark from room and watch non-stop television, even the trashy kind. So if I just look to my blessings and strive hard to be grateful and get up and get outside everyday and enjoy the sun or clouds or snow or leaves or the stupid birds that eat all our pet food and don't even sing us pretty songs in return *exhale* I am happier, I am able to see a brighter better happier future and it's not even a distant future, its like right now.
It's almost Friday!
-Keara
