Journals have a purpose

This morning while looking at a picture of the Disney Princesses...
C: What?!  Ariel should be in the middle, not Rapunzel.  She turns into a mermaid and a human, that's so cool.
E: Yah!
M:  Well Rapunzel has magic hair, that's pretty cool.
C:  Oh Yah!

We are still trying to get the hang of school again.  I am uh really trying to be patient, and it's really not working.  I seem to yell a lot, when before I had really gotten away from it, I was the sweet mommy and my kids loved me.  Now all I hear is how mean I am and, "you are not a nice Mommy!".  I pretty much hate it.  ;0)  Really though, I don't like yelling at my babies, they are so sweet and innocent...most of the time.  I'm just pretty tired all the time and ready for naps and bed time.  Alan works a LOT right now, well he is sure gone a lot.  He is gone most nights and leaves early in the morning.  It's hard to find good help these days, it's pretty much all on me.  I keep my house nice and clean, my floors swept and mopped and dishes and sundry done, but that's about it.  Sometimes I just want to let it all go and just be with the kids, but honestly I enjoy cleaning more.  Sad I know, why am I even admitting this???

I was looking back at some old journal entries the other night and almost every single one said..."I am a bad mother", in so many words.  I talked about how I wanted to be better, how I wanted to give my kids so much more.  I couldn't believe how many entries were about me being such a horrible mom.  It was like the bee on "Bee Movie" when he is trying to get out of the window but kept hitting the glass, he didn't change anything he just kept trying the same 'ol thing saying, "maybe this time, this time, this time this time."  I was spinning my wheels, I had nothing to build upon, I was always in the negative.  I thought about my kids and the things we do each day...Monday is jammy day we stay home all day and do nothing but play and clean and wear our jambes...Tuesday is food day we get our groceries...Wednesday is Library day, we go to story time and hang out for a few hours, then to the park for a picnic lunch...Thursday is another free day we get to choose what we want to do.  Today we did school, then watched a show, napped, road bikes and cut hair...Friday is workout day, we go down to the church and work out for an hour or so with other mom's and kids.  and thought, if I am such bad Mom then why do my children tell me they love me, or why do they seem so happy...most of the day?  Most of the time my kids go to bed tired, full and happy, so why am I such a bad mommy?  Truth...I'm not.

I decided after reading that hogwash that I would never go to bed thinking about all the "horrible" things I did that day, I would focus only on the good.  That night writing down all the good things I had done with the children and as a wife and Keara, making sure Alan had clean socks, kissing my children and telling them I loved them, making countless meals, and reading my scriptures and trying to be the best me, I felt so much better.  I felt like the next day I could do even better because I was going to be adding to all the good I had already done the day before, not trying to make up for all the bad I had done.  I felt like I was walking up to the top of a mountain, not trying to climb out of a hole.

So even though I yelled at my kids today for yelling at each other(I know), or the times that I chose not to be the sweet mommy and play with them, I will focus on the good, our bike ride, our fun craft and teaching them.  It's tough being a Mom and house keeper and trying to find the right balance between the two, and also find time to just be Keara.  I know that when I make the time and get my booty out of bed for scriptures and a little exercise I feel better, because I have help, I don't have to do it on my own.  I can enlist the powers of Heaven if I just ask.  I am grateful for many blessings and pray that I can become the mother that my children will always remember as a sweet Mother who always did all she could to show her love for them.  Tomorrow will be an even better day than today, I will make a conscience effort to tell my children how much I love them, and give them the special Mommy time they need.  I am a good Mommy and I try.  I am a good Mommy.

My breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.  Notice hoe the fruit spells out "MOM"  So cute husband.  He also made me some "All access Alan passes"  There are 3 of them, one for movie night, with hair play, girls night, and backrub.  Very awesome.

-Keara